You’ve no doubt heard that Amazon’s second headquarters is one of the most fiercely sought projects in the history of corporate boot licking. HQ2 is planned to create 50,000 high paying jobs and invest $5 billion locally.
Local governments have fallen over themselves to offers billions in subsidies to Amazon and its CEO, the world’s richest man. Not only is this a sickening example of welfare for the rich, but it’s totally misguided. A lot of people have wondered why it has taken Amazon so long to announce their second headquarters location. Will it be Northern Virginia? Miami? Atlanta?
In fact, the reason it is taking so long to announce the winner of this competition, which began over a year ago, is that Bezos has decided to build HQ2 in Outer Space, via his space exploration company Blue Origin. While this selection will come as a surprise to many people, it actually makes a lot of sense based on Amazon’s published criteria for HQ2:
- Proximity to tech talent – Techies will feel most comfortable in a completely man-made environment, circling the earth and having no contact with nontechies or any organic materials.
- A “Green Fields” environment. What could be more of a blank slate than space?
- Tax Incentives – Bezos is much too rich and busy to have to deal with mere mortal politicians. So he has engaged directly with God – on an equal footing of course – to discuss how Amazon can avoid paying any taxes and have an intergalactic monopoly. Having seen how human beings have mucked up the earth, God is allegedly skeptical, but willing to consider all options.
- Proximity to an Airport – Who needs an Airport when you’ve built your own space station?
- Amazon doesn’t really make that much money selling books and other earthbound merchandise, but they make a fortune providing services to the military through Amazon Web Services. And who could make a better partner than the US military in space? Between Bezos, the Pentagon, and God, they will really be able to run things, finally, the right way. Reportedly, God will assume a minority stake in the venture.
- Having HQ2 in space will allow Amazon to grow without pesky physical constraints and having to deal with real estate developers. At last, something can be created to match Bezos’ grand vision. With due reference to the moon and the stars and all that sort of thing, but of course mostly with due reverence to Bezos.
- We hear that intergalactic competition for the project is intense, with Mars, the moon, and Jupiter all submitting bids. Jupiter is regarded as a particularly hot prospect, as Amazon’s teams have visited twice.