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Does a Man Ever Cry? 

A poll in Bestlifeonline.com in June of 2006 showed that:

  • 3% of men thought that men should never cry because it showed weakness
  • 49% of men thought it was okay to cry if you found out your wife was unfaithful
  • 82% of men thought it was okay to cry if someone close to you died
  • 64% thought it was okay to cry at your daughter’s wedding
  • 41% thought it was okay to cry if the family pet dies

“Does crying during the inflight movie make you a pussy?
It is never okay to cry on a plane. Even if it’s crashing and they’re playing Brian’s Song.” (GQ, Modern Manners, Glenn O’Brien, Page 323, September 2006)

Bravery is about a willingness to show emotional need.” (Richard Gere)

Bullshit. Rarely does a man need to show emotional need, and, in fact, he shows as little as possible, with the following exceptions:

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While watching Brian’s Song, but only if you’ve had a couple drinks while doing so, and only if your yellow lab is also shedding tears.

At the funeral for your mother, your dog, or your cat. Other family members and pets on a case by case basis.

When paying legal bills in recognition of spending perfectly good money on lawyers.

Under no conditions is it permissible to cry in response to a lover, unless she is dying. If she is leaving you, the best response is to politely ask her to leave a check for her share of the monthly utility bill.

If you have been seriously wounded while defending the honor of a lady, and you are trying to crawl to your feet, with a pool of blood forming around, and people and sirens screaming in the near vicinity, you are still not permitted to cry or curse. Unless, of course, the blood has ruined a custom made suit in which case cry and/or curse at your pleasure.

If another man is crying, you should ignore it, thus pretending that his tears do not exist, and saving him from the dishonor of being seen crying. Or you can comfort him, knowing that he really can’t replace the Sade poster his wife burned in a fit of jealousy. If his tears continue, the only honorable way out may be seppuku. You may offer to be his second.

If your lover is crying, there is no need to ask. Yes, you fool, it is because of what you said. Also, what you didn’t say. And did you really have to do that? Or not do that? Its not important that you know what made her cry. It was you, or it wasn’t you, and in either case you should apologize. Try to sound like you mean it.

If a woman, not your lover, is crying, ask if there is something you can do to help her. If the woman is ugly, ask twice. If the woman is beautiful, ask once. If the woman is beautiful and rich, don’t bother asking – she really doesn’t need your help.

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