The potential constitutional chaos provoked by the impeachment of President Clinton is providing the perfect opportunity for a takeover of the federal government by The Outrage staff.
We've been waiting patiently for an opportunity like this, and we certainly don't plan to let it pass us by. But don't worry - we plan to impose a benevolent dictatorship.
Some of the steps we plan to take, pursuant to our previously published manifesto:
- US Congressmen and Senators are returned home to assume their natural level of competency. Some make a good living as card sharks. A few others are able to dupe heiresses into marriage. Some assume entry level marketing positions at large corporations. Most are forced to rant and rant in the attics of tolerant relatives.
- A class action suit against the Trial Lawyers Association of America. We'll ask for damages on behalf of American consumers for prices that have been needlessly raised as a result of senseless lawsuits.
- Monica, Ken, Bill, Hillary, and associates all get sent to Hell: in other words, we put them in a cell with each other.
- We'll bring in a mediator for the NBA strike who will decide that the best solution is to have NBA players, owners, and agents spend a year doing real work - say, driving trucks or working on a construction site. Then they can all go back to the bargaining table with a new perspective.
- We'll have a one billion dollar budget for the federal government - seems like a lot of money to us. No one will notice when government "services" are eliminated.
- While Hillary is busy bonding with Monica, we'll bring in a new Queen of the White House. Hef screens the applicants.
- We'll order all American troops home. Other countries can solve their own problems.
- The TV networks get closed down - we'll use their unpaid use of spectrum as an excuse. This is a temporary measure, only lasting until signs of (real) life emerge from couch potatoes. Or until the literature section at Borders Books becomes overcrowded. Whichever comes first.
- We'll institute expedited capital punishment, and give highest priority to lawyers, politicians, spammers, "Oprah" fans, and "Washington Post" editorial writers.
- We'll bring in J. Peterman as Director of White House Communications.
- Any preacher, civil rights leader, politician, and, yes, writer, who's life does not bear even a passing resemblance to the philosophy they expound gets exported to Serbia.
- Free one-way tickets to the Congo will be provided to those who complain about the plight of African-Americans.
- Relaxed discipline in the military and schools is replaced with the code of the samurai, as practiced in the 16th century Japanese Shogunate.
- Government sanctioned assassinations are limited to Rupert Murdoch, Saddam, and game show hosts.
- White house entertainment is limited to sing-alongs with Sade, Natalie, Jewel, Alanis, Mariah, Jennifer, and Sheryl.
- "Just say no to victimization" becomes the national slogan.
Tell Us What Changes You Would Make As Dictator!
Tell us in the comments below.