As single men we are, by definition, clueless about a pretty vast array of
subjects (women in general, cooking, emotional attachment, etc.) Of course,
we’re completely mystified by the marriage thing.
One thing we are sure about is that many marriages don’t work. However, at
that point, we enter another area of gross ignorance, and the subject of
this Outrage, divorce law. (And no, it’s not true that we always write
about subjects about which we’re completely ignorant. Just last December we
wrote on a topic we knew something about. Not a lot, but something. Can’t
quite remember what it was...)
In addition to our ceaseless quest for knowledge, we have another reason for
picking divorce as the subject of this Outrage. Whenever we write a column
like this one we get a lot of email from Outraged ladies that accuse us of
being "misogynists". Now we really have no idea what that word means, but,
as pathetic single men, we’ll do pretty much anything to generate email from
women - especially if they have names like Natalie, Dominique, Laura, etc.
So we like getting the email. Of course, if you want us to have any idea
what you’re talking about, you need to stick to words like "big, small,
good, bad" - one-syllable words we can usually locate in our trusty
Webster’s.
But enough about us - let’s talk about Phyllis Redstone. Mrs. Redstone just
filed for divorce from her billionaire husband, Viacom boss Sumner Redstone.
Mrs. Redstone is asking for $3 billion, and she may get it, as Massachusetts
divorce law allows for equal division of marital property. Sumner Redstone
is supposedly worth about $6 billion.
We assume that the Redstone’s marriage has never been a tranquil garden of
marital bliss. The latest suit marks the 3rd time that Mrs. Redstone has
filed for divorce from her husband of 52 years. The first suit was started
and dropped in 1984. Number two was filed on November 12, 1993, and dropped
18 days later.
In suit number 3, Phyllis Redstone, 74, alleges that her husband, 76, has
been cheating on her. She hired a private detective who supposedly produced
pictures of her man with a 46 year-old unidentified woman in Paris and
California. Mr. Redstone and the homebreaker were seen holding hands as
they cavorted in the streets of Paris.
Mrs. Redstone could have taken a much more positive view of her husband’s
extracurricular activities. She might be glad that her husband, at age 76,
is still willing and, perhaps more surprisingly, able to philander.
In any event, Mrs. Redstone does not seem inclined to forgive and forget.
So let’s talk about this matter of $3 billion. As usual, we don’t quite
understand the inclination the law seems to have for taking money from
people who have made it and giving money to people who haven’t made it.
It’s important for us to understand the upside of divorce law, as we happen
to know of several healthy and wealthy single mothers who must be in need of
a man in the house. Madonna, for instance. It so happens that we’re
available. But we need a plan, and we don’t come cheap.
As far as we can figure, divorce law is based on the assumption that the
non-income producing spouse is entitled to an equivalent lifestyle after a
marriage ends. We take this to mean that if Madonna treats us nicely for a
while, and then discards us, we get the big money in the divorce settlement.
On the other hand, if she feeds us cat food three times a day, then we’d
have to moderate our demands?
After all, it’s hard to argue that you need a lot of money to continue to
live a pathetic lifestyle. We kinda thought it might work best in the
reverse way - the better you treated your spouse while you were married, the
less your obligations would be once the marriage came to an end.
We’re just having a hard time seeing exactly what Mrs. Redstone did to earn
$3 billion, or what she needs that much money for at this point. After all,
even our friends at AnnuityNet.com don’t think you need $3 billion for a
comfortable retirement.
We don’t know Mrs. Redstone, but it’s a pretty fair guess that her 52 years
of marriage to Sumner Redstone have not been filled with unremitting toil.
We’re willing to go out on a limb here and guess that she has lived a life
filled with leisure and dream-like luxury. And because her husband has
provided this lifestyle he now owes her $3 billion?
We’ve always thought an interesting way of analyzing divorce settlements
would be to calculate how wealthy the spouse might be if they had not
married Mr. or Mrs. Wrong. If Phyllis had never become Redstone, where would
she be now, at age 76? What did she give up by marrying a man who put her
firmly in the lap of luxury? Would she have created her own version of
Viacom? Or would she be living in a trailer park? Or, worse yet, next door
to us?
How about Soraya Khashoggi, Adnan Khashoggi’s ex? Did Soraya deserve the
record $872 million she was granted in 1982 when she dumped the gunrunner?
How much did the lawyers make on that one?
But our favorite divorce case, and a fitting note on which to end this
Outrage, is that of musician Mike Oldfield. He married the daughter of his
therapy teacher in 1976. He had known Sarah for only 3 days, and married
her because she refused to sleep with him until they were married. Four
days after having met, they were married. The day following the night of
the wedding, the couple decided they were incompatible and started divorce
proceedings. Mike Oldfield ended up paying over $300,000 in alimony to a
woman he had known for four days and been married to for one, obviously very
bad, day.
