A VALENTINE FOR OUR PRESIDENTS!

This is the time of year when Americans celebrate Presidents Day which, by happy coincidence, falls on the same weekend as Valentines Day. This seemed like a perfect time to write a Valentine to some of our more recent glorious leaders.

We're not too good at the mushy stuff, so we asked Nichole, our attractive, Monica-aged, office manager, to write our Valentines:

Dear Mr. Clinton,
Congratulations on beating the rap! I think it's great, especially around this time of year, that you've got plenty of love to go around - it would be really selfish to keep the best part of yourself only for Hillary. Remember that all's fair in love and war, so if you need to start another war to divert the nation's attention from your love life, well, just go for it! I'd love for you to meet one of my other heroes - O.J. - you and he have a lot in common.

Dear Mr. Bush,
Happy Valentines Day! Lovers are fickle, so we don't mind that you betrayed just about every principle you were elected to represent. It's great that you have two sons who may also become president, so we can continue to guess what, if anything, your family really stands for.

Dear Mr. Reagan,
Who cares if government didn't really get any smaller while you were the boss? We all loved you anyway. I'd like to find a sugar daddy who would lavish money and gifts on me, the way you did with the Defense Department.

Dear Mr. Carter,
You were probably the most morally sincere post-war president - and look where it got you! It's really too bad that the virtues of a mid-western preacher don't prove too effective for a president; you might have been better off spending less time in prayer and more time reading Machiavelli. But the "lust in your heart" thing was very romantic.

Dear Mr. Ford,
I think it's great that a total mediocrity like yourself could become the most powerful man in the world - and without even going to the trouble of getting elected! And I really respect your wife - one of the pioneers of making self-victimization glamorous. Maybe the two of you could join me for a drink sometime.

Dear Mr. Nixon,
I don't mean to be well, mean, but I'm kinda glad you aren't around; I'm not sure what my Valentines card to you would say. It's hard to imagine writing a love note to a man who wore a coat and tie to go fishing. On the other hand, you were such a great president: betraying Taiwan to establish relations with Communist China, freeing us from the last vestiges of the gold standard, establishing the EPA before environmental fascism really became fashionable, and best of all, those wage and price controls. And people called you a conservative - what a hoot!

Dear Mr. Johnson,
Rumor has it that you were an even greater Casanova than the legend you replaced. I guess that power really is an aphrodisiac; I can't imagine any other reason why any woman would become involved with a man as disgusting and totally devoid of even the most superficial attractions as yourself.

Dear Mr. Kennedy,
You were the best; rich and good looking, and so unselfish with your charms. Best of all, you had the good sense to die young, so you could join the pantheon of Marilyn, Elvis, and, later, Princess Di. Some people say you were self-centered, conceited, vain, and totally out of touch with reality, but hey, you were a Kennedy - what did they expect? Bill's trying hard, but he's just a pale shadow of yourself.