A small group of people is about to be paid over two billion dollars.
What great deed could warrant such a payment? Did they invent a new product? Save a continent? Find a solution to world hunger? Make Bill Clinton monogamous?
Nope. While the average American toils away for $12.50 an hour, five law firms in Texas are about to be paid over $2,300,000,000 for their role in forcing tobacco companies to pay the state of Texas $15,300,000,000.
As far as we know, this is the biggest single payment for legal services in the history of mankind. We had thought the attorneys' fees in the Florida tobacco settlement couldn't be surpassed, but we were wrong.
Who approved this settlement? Why, another lawyer of course. U.S. District Court judge David Folsom called the payment "a reasonable fee" in his ruling on the tobacco settlement. Showing himself to be a true autocrat, Judge Folsom barred challenges to the settlement from proceeding in any court other than his.
Who was in charge of the deal which allows over two billion dollars of state funds to be used to pay attorneys? Surprise -- another attorney. Texas Attorney General Dan Morales called the settlement "a proud and historic moment for Texas." Proud indeed for a few of his fellow attorneys, who can now buy themselves big chunks of the Lone Star state. Historic, also: never has so much been paid to so few for so little work.
Texas Governor George W. Bush called the attorneys' fees "clearly excessive and outrageous."
If you ever doubted who controls America, think about this. Laws are made by legislators, many or most of whom are attorneys. At the federal level, laws are enforced by the President, who happens to be an attorney. (As is his wife, as well as the Vice-President.) Judges interpret the laws, and of course all judges are lawyers. The Association of Trial Lawyers of America is one of the biggest donors to political campaigns in America. As lawyers win ever-bigger billion dollar fees, they may no longer bother to control America; they'll just buy the country outright.
In the past honest work was rewarded in America. But now the big money is really not in making products or providing services. Honest labor is now just for chumps. If you're smart, you'll get on the parasite train -- just find somebody to sue. Long hours, innovation, sweat equity, pride of product -- this is all just the stuff of fools. Join the modern royalty of success -- Easy Street is just one big judgment away.
READ MORE ABOUT IT
Read more about today's Outrage in the Star Telegram Story.
For more Outageous stories about attorneys see the Larcenous
Litigators library.
