Hate Crimes
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you must now determine if the
accused, who you have just convicted of breaking into the victim's
house, knifing to death his two young children, and raping his wife,
acted out of politically incorrect hatred based on race or
religion - in which case the penalties will be quite severe - or whether
this was just a run of the mill murder and rape, in which case you
should probably recommend probation."
You may have heard that the Supreme Court recently ruled that juries
must decide whether a crime merits special punishment under the laws
pertaining to "Hate Crimes". We have to admit that here at The Outrage
we're a little befuddled over the entire concept of hate crimes; as a
general rule, we had always assumed that rape, murder, and assault were
rarely motivated by feelings of benevolence or goodwill. We know that
when OJ stabbed his ex-wife to death he was really motivated by hard
"love", but we're kinda hoping that case was an exception.
Just Trying to Get By
Lots of people around the world need the help of their fellow citizens
to make ends meet, including the Royal Family of Great Britain. Queen
Elizabeth, the richest woman in England and inheritor of vast estates,
palaces, art and jewelry, was just given a new budget to pay for staff
wages, expenses, and performing her official duties. From this budget,
collected from English taxpayers, the Queen's mother receives
approximately a million dollars a year for, well, being Queen Mother.
The Queen's husband, Prince Philip, receives about $550,000 for, well,
being the Queen's husband.
As you can imagine, the duties performed by royals are exacting,
including attending palace cocktail parties, the occasional ship
launching, and instructing Prince William on scandal management. (We
applied to be members of the royal family but, in a clear case of
employment discrimination, were rejected.)
The taxpayers of Great Britain also pay the royals a travel allowance of
approximately $20 million a year cause, if you're royalty, you have to
travel in style. Additionally, the royal family receives subsidized
housing - Buckingham Palace, St. James Palace, Windsor Castle and
Kensington Palace are maintained by the government at an annual cost of about $25 million,
although they are owned by the royals.
Doing Great by Doing Terribly
In the world of large American corporations you're richly rewarded for
success - but sometimes the rewards for failure are even better! Some
major corporations have recently fired, or, more politely, retired, CEOs
who destroyed billions of dollars in shareholder value. But if you're
at the top of the heap you stand a pretty good chance of becoming
enriched for your failures. Some examples:
- Steve Hilbert - Fired from insurance giant Conseco after decreasing the
company's market capitalization by billions - $75 million severance pay.
- Jill Barad - Paid $55 million after she was fired from Barbie doll maker
Mattel.
- Douglas Ivester, - $17.8 million plus $3 million/year, who retired from
Coca-Cola just after laying off 6,000 employees.
- John B. McCoy - $10.3 million plus $3 million/year, who retired from
Bank One after laying off 5,100 employees.
- On the other hand, we hear that Sidney H. Kosann, CEO of Shelby Yarn in
Shelby, N.C., filed in February for state unemployment benefits just
after closing the company and laying off 650 people. He earned a
relatively modest $300,000 per year.
A Penny Saved is a Billion Earned
Ever read your phone bill? Notice the few dollars that are deducted
every month for the "Universal Service" charge? This is a tax used to
pay for subsidizing phone service to low-income and rural customers as well as
Internet access to libraries and schools. The government is already
collecting $2.5 billion annually from this program, and revenues are
expected to rise to $10 billion per year by 2003.
Meanwhile, the
government is doing its best to force the phone companies to hide the
charge, using a "Truth in Billing" campaign to discourage disclosure.
As Orwell might have said, if you're going to wage war, just make sure
you call it a peacemaking campaign.
Outrage Deluxe
What if all the forces of darkness and Outrage combine and a member of
the British royal family is wrongfully, and hatefully, terminated from
his or her position? A number of questions need to be addressed:
- Should people that "hate" subsidies for the rich be prosecuted under
the hate crimes laws? After all, these laws were created to add yet
another layer of protection for minorities - religious, ethnic, etc. -
and the very rich are certainly a minority.
- Do members of the British Royal Family get severance pay if they are
fired from their positions as Queen, Queen Mother, etc.? Do they have
employment agreements? We believe that Princess Di got $20 million after
she and Charles split up, and she was a damn good Princess. Would she
have gotten more if she were lousy, like American CEOs?
- What if Queen Elizabeth was terminated, and received no severance pay?
Would the $25 million household allowance be enough to keep the phones
connected, or do we all need to pay a little more in Universal Service
fees to make sure that the next time we call Buckingham Palace to speak
to the Queen, we don't get a "phone disconnected for non-payment"
recording? Wouldn't you hate that?
