With all the fire the tobacco industry has drawn recently, we've decided it was time to unveil The Outrage Plan to Discourage Juvenile Smoking. Despite endless public relations campaigns to keep kids from lighting up the demon weed, they're still smoking like chimneys. A change of strategy is needed.
The first step of The Outrage Plan is a mass distribution of cigarettes to the schools -- two packs a day for every child between the ages of 13 and 18. Next, we need hard and fast rules -- every child must smoke his or her two packs a day, and no whining or slacking by kids claiming to be asthmatics either!
Once parents, teachers, and the establishment join forces to mandate teen smoking the habit is doomed. You can just imagine the following conversations, repeated at dinner tables across the country:
Mrs. Smith (A diligent parent): Johnny, have you done your smoking for today?
Johnny (An average teen): Ah, c'mon mom, I'm tired of smoking. Do I have to? All I ever do is smoke, smoke, smoke. And, anyway, the Surgeon General says it causes cancer.
Mrs. Smith: You put that Tolstoy novel away right now -- I've told you about those damn books; they'll ruin your eyes! And light up a cigarette. If this room isn't covered in smoke the next time I come back, you're going to get it. Just wait till your father gets home.
Johnny pretends to put away the book. He sticks a cigarette in his mouth. His mother leaves the room. He spits out the cigarette and calls his girlfriend.
Johnny: Rhonda, the 'rents are all over me about not smoking enough. I swear, if my old man gives me any more grief I'm going to throw a pack in his face and tell him I'm never smoking another cigarette again. You've gotta help me, Rhonda.
Rhonda: I know, I know. I just told my folks I'm taking the lifetime tobacco abstinence pledge: it drove 'em up the wall. They started telling me how I'll never get into a good college -- I'll spend the rest of my life as an aerobics instructor.
Johnny: I heard Jack (BMOC) told his parents that not only was he never going to smoke again, he wasn't going to drink another drop of alcohol -- nothing except wine at communion.
Rhonda: Wow, what did his parents say? I'll bet they flipped out!
Johnny: Yeah, it's pretty serious -- they're taking Jack in to see the school substance appreciation counselor tomorrow.
This smoke-free land of milk and honey is within reach -- but only if we have the courage to compel. For instance, there must be firm rules in the schools. At every break between classes, students would be required to smoke at least one cigarette. You can imagine the fake cigarettes, phantom smoking and general evasiveness and rebellion that would follow.
Teachers would be assigned to police the halls and bathrooms to make sure that kids were puffing away, and not wasting their time writing computer programs or reciting poetry. Those children found without a cigarette dangling between their lips would be required to attend chain-smoking detention centers. Repeat offenders would be required to do repeated shots of Jack Daniel's until they threw up or saw the error of their ways, whichever came first.
Once we've conquered smoking we'll move on the wars against drugs and teenage pregnancy.
